My boyfriend is not caring or committed...but I still love him. by Jacqueline Brandwynne Dear Jacqui:    I am a 30 years old woman with a problem. My interest for sex has decreased in the last couple of months. I am a person that usually has a high sexual drive, and I wish that I could have it back. My boyfriend (34 years old) and I have been together for almost 2.5 years now. At first, our sex life was great. My boy friend has a very high sexual drive. He masturbates several times a day and will get hard 5 minutes after I masturbate him, give a fellatio or we have sex, and the intensity of the sex have nothing to do with it. If it has good he wants it even more. Sometimes I feel discouraged that I will never be able to satisfy him. He tells me that the erections means nothing about his desire for sex, but he never say's no.    He is bi and enjoys swinging sometimes, but I am not into it. I tried it though, 2 times with a couple and once with his best friend. I found out this was not really my bag of tea, I have experienced my first drop of desire for sex after try to swing. It made me feel ackward and uncomfortable. That happened 1.5 years ago.    Another drop of sexual desire happened with some experiences when we did cocaine. Taking a little to enhance our pleasure and closeness. I felt a little guilty about it and bad, like with the swinging but that was no big problem. The problem was that sex was so great with it that after, for the next couple of weeks, I had the impression of feeling nothing, arousal and reaching orgasm became very difficult.    So that I now started to deprive my boy friend of sex. At the same time (during that same year) we had other problems. My b.f. would not tell me he loved me, would tell me he wants no children, no house, and that he couldn?t live with me. He often talked about that little belly I have, of my hemorrhoids, or my scars on my breasts (I had mammal reduction). I have never felt so bad about my body before. I loved him so much, but he slowly destroyed my love for him, from fear of getting attached cause he had really bad relationship before being with me.    It happened a year ago. So we broke up earlier this year, for I could not see us growing together. I got involved a few months after seeing other people. It drove my ex mad. He came back to me crying how much he loved me. That he had been a foul, that he wanted everything with me etc.     At first I took what he said lightly, also that I had met someone and that I wanted to explore the relationship with that other person. So I said no to my ex at first, cause I was so confused with my feeling and I wanted to take the good decision. I waited a while to clear my mind.    I still had so much affection for my ex. I loved him dearly. He was still my best friend a great lover. And with his change of attitude I could build a life with him. So he came back.    He is very different now. He tells me he loves me. That I am beautiful even with my little belly. We make plans together for a future life. He is really adorable. But my sex drive isn't back.    He pressures me a lot into having sex, even if sometimes I am not ready. I often fearful that he will want to swing again, and also am fearful not to be able to satisfy him. But all this fear decreases my sex drive back and makes him more depraved and more angry. I can't get close to him without him wanting to initiate sex and I have to say no and it makes him feel bad and I feel bad. Sometimes I make an effort. But it shouldn't be an effort it should be a pleasure.    I feel like I am caught in a vicious circle. I would like to get out of it, find my sexual drive and self confidence. We talk a lot about it but it is difficult to talk to him. He takes things personally and sometimes feels threaten or wounded by the things I express.    The fears, the traumatic exp. of swinging (that I should have got over) the pressure for sex and the critics hr makes about me. But I guess I should be the one to deal with this and not feel threaten by him Worst thing is that he is really the best lover I had, I love him and he wants me. How can I help myself? Thanks in advanced Susan Dear Susan:    Thank you for giving us your trust. It is quite clear to us that your friend is not the kind of caring or committed person you deserve. In fact, his behavior is abusive and manipulative. He asks you to participate in sexual activities which make you feel unworthy and unloved. He denies you the fundamentals which are essential to building a life with a partner. No wonder you have lost your sexual desire. Your feelings are in turmoil, you've lost your trust and probably your respect for your friend.    Once before, you had the courage to leave him. It was the right decision, even though you have mixed feelings about it. Ask yourself why you are willing to put up with this kind of destructive behavior? We suggest you get some help from a psychiatrist or psychiatric counselor to help you clarify your feelings and make you recognize that you deserve a partner who values your love. Jacqui Very Private provides personal advice & products for better intimacy. Visit: www.veryprivate.com and submit your very private question to Jacqui: info@veryprivate.com. We never reveal names and addresses. Copyright 2000 Brandwynne Corporation. All rights reserved    Very Private offers advice & products to help solve the physical or emotional problems people have that affect their relationships. Our objective is to help them achieve a happier, closer, and more fulfilling intimate relationship. For more information visit: www.veryprivate.com Email your own question to info@veryprivate.com or fax: (310) 472-1479. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. Jacqui's Bio:    Jacqueline Brandwynne is the creator of the Very Private® line of products.    Ms. Brandwynne enjoyed a classical education in her native Switzerland where she received her Diploma in Business from the Hoehere Toechterschule des Kantons Zuerich, (Business College). She continued her studies in philosophy and American Literature at The New School of Social Research in New York. She is fluent in English, German, French, Italian and Spanish.    Trained in all aspects of marketing and business strategy, Ms. Brandwynne, still in her twenties, turned around an unprofitable consumer company, Yardley of London, into an industry leader which was then sold to British American Tobacco, equivalent to a billion dollar deal today. This turn-around brought her great visibility and recognition. It also allowed her to form her own company, Brandwynne Associates specializing in turning around unsuccessful brands or divisions of Fortune 500 companies such as American Cyanamid, Bristol Myers Clairol, National Liberty Life Insurance, Revlon Mitchum-Thayer, Seagram & Sons, Sterling Drug Corp., and Fisons Limited, London. To each of her assignments she brought a unique combination of sharp business analysis and great creativity to solve specific marketing, distribution and/or financial problems.    In 1974 she merged her business and joined John Reed, then President and later Chairman of Citicorp as marketing strategist for the consumer division worldwide. Subsequently, Ms. Brandwynne was appointed to develop the business strategy of Citicorp's ten-year plan. This required the positioning of Citicorp within the global economic environment. She developed and described a model of the dynamics and the functions of the information economy and interpreted the implications of this emerging economic systems on particular industries and corporations.    Her insight and contribution became a cornerstone of the ensuing Citicorp strategy. Ms. Brandwynne managed an inside staff and outside team of scientists, industry specialists and academics from Harvard, MIT, Stanford, The Annenberg School of Communication, and Columbia University. With their participation she structured and supervised a global study on the convergence of telecommunications and computers. As a consequence of this study, she and her staff recognized the coming of the Internet early on. In l975 she described the coming electronic network as "The Global Conduit ."    In 1981, Ms. Brandwynne moved to Los Angeles to help reposition a small, single product soap company, Neutrogena. She developed the strategy to reposition the corporation as a beauty and healthcare company offering skin care, hair care and body care. She then became a key contributor in the highly successful execution of the strategy. Neutrogena was sold to Johnson & Johnson for close to 800 million dollars.    After leaving Neutrogena she started her own business and developed the line of Very Private® products that are currently being sold directly, on the web, through medical professionals and in various drugstores. The company's website is www.veryprivate.com.    Ms. Brandwynne has served in multiple advisory roles in several administrations.    She was an Advisor to The Council of Economic Advisors under its Chairman, Herbert Stein, during Presidents Nixon and Ford's administrations.    She has been a member of the United States Trade Representatives' Services Policy Advisory Committee under President Ford.    Ms.Brandwynne chaired an Economic Summit at The White House at which both President Reagan and Secretary Baker participated.    At the request of President Carter, she consulted in the development of a new competitive strategy for the United States along with the CEO's of fifty major US corporations, the Presidents of the leading US Universities, Labor Unions and members of the White House and Congress.    Ms. Brandwynne has served on the Boards of Directors of several public companies and non-for profit organizations including Monogram Industries, Neutrogena Corporation, The Los Angeles Opera, The California Institute of the Arts, the Santa Fe Institute, the Entrepreneurial Studies Center at UCLA, the board of the "Amici degli Uffici" in Florence, Italy.    She is a member of the Committee of 200 as well as a member of the Los Angeles Trusteeship (Los Angeles Forum).      She has been a speaker at universities and international forums on the subjects of strategy and market competitiveness.    Ms. Brandwynne writes a column on health, beauty and relationships which is read by several million readers. She is a regularly contributor on radio, television and the Internet on the same subjects as well as business.    For more information please send an email to:info@veryprivate.com

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